


A Dragon's Courting Troubles

by KageKashu



Series: Of a Dragon, and a Hobbit... and a Mountain of Dwarves [2]
Category: Sherlock (TV), The Hobbit (2012)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-19
Updated: 2013-01-20
Packaged: 2017-11-26 01:49:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/645197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KageKashu/pseuds/KageKashu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which a dragon finds something Important. He also has difficulty courting a hobbit.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Dragon's Courting Troubles

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own: The Hobbit; Sherlock
> 
> Warnings: Not exactly canon-compliant, because it's kind of fusion-y.
> 
> A/N: This piece is already finished. It came upon me so quickly... But I will be posting it in parts, at least once a day. Enjoy!

It was such a small thing, as far as treasure is concerned. It was so tiny. It looked as though it was made for a hobbit's hand, but Smaug couldn't figure out why _his_ hobbit had such an object. Bilbo wasn't the sort of creature that cared for treasure, and this particular piece... Smaug could smell the evil on it before he even picked it up. He would have almost thought that it had already been in the room before it became part of the hobbit's chambers, except that he could smell Bilbo on it. 

It was definitely magic - very dark magic, which Smaug found fascinating. Yet he had no urge to take it; in fact, he was sure that if anyone should keep it, it should be his mate (even if Bilbo hadn't yet consented to being his mate, he was sure that he just needed to work a little harder at convincing him). 

The point was, Smaug had found it under the new bed. The bed was perhaps the fifth one, and the dragon hadn't yet gotten around to destroying it - He needed to be more creative, this time. Bilbo slept too much, and Smaug was trying to make that point to him. _The coverlet first,_ he thought. The bed could die by the barest fingerlengths. 

The bed was very comfortable, he had to admit. The only thing that he had against it was that Bilbo certainly seemed to want _it_ more than he wanted Smaug. He would come into his chambers, and usually before Smaug could even pounce, announce that it was "bed time". _Ridiculous,_ Smaug thought, _to think that there is such a thing as "bed time"._

Minutely shifting the tips of his fingers into claws in preparation for what he was about to do, he pocketed the One Ring then flexed his fingers, hips wriggling as he prepared to pounce onto the bed. The coverlet was shredded into fingerlength wide strips in under a minute, and Smaug, pleased with himself, settled down to wait for his hobbit to come back, which, if he did as he usually did, would be very soon, as hobbits apparently liked to have a steady schedule. 

As he waited, he pondered courtship. It was one of the few things that made him glad to remember being a Man. Not that Sherlock had been very practiced with courtship; it did, however, make things a little easier. Smaug could remember how easy it had been, at times, to have John eating out of the palm of his hand... and how easy it had been to anger John so much that he stomped away, "kipping off" to the grocer, or to have a beer... 

Smaug didn't remember beer, but he suspected that most Men liked it, dwarves also. Bilbo might actually like beer too. John certainly had. The dragon resolved to find out. The hobbit's eating patterns were quite a bit different, now that he was a hobbit and not a Man, but it seemed as though, rather than eating less, as would benefit his size, he instead ate a whole lot more, and more often, and had, in the (weeks, was it?) time since he had come to the mountain, gained a roundness of form that Smaug didn't remember John having. It was possible that his memory was faulty. 

"Oh, Sherl...Smaug! What did you do to my bedding?" In reply, all Smaug did was smirk, and wait, but internally, he wondered when it was, that Bilbo had gotten so good at sneaking up on him. "I should have to replace that, again. What am I to do with you?" The hobbit came over to examine the damage, looking relieved when he saw that it was only the top-most layer that Smaug had ruined. He shouldn't have been relieved, but Smaug wasn't going to say so. 

"I found something interesting today," Smaug told him as the hobbit pulled the shreds out from underneath him. "It was under your bed," he coaxed, trying to get a reaction. "John..." 

"Yes, yes, what is it this time?" Bilbo seemed exasperated, but at the same time glad that at least the bed wasn't a smoldering ruin. "I'm trying to clean your mess, move a little." 

He shifted just enough for Bilbo to pull the rest of the shreds away. "A little trinket; I do believe that it's yours." 

Bilbo stilled completely, actually stopping to stare at him. Then he stepped back and patted his pockets, a look of panic settling on his face with a burst of fear-sweat. "Where..?" he asked, with a nervous smile. 

The reaction was interesting; Smaug studied it for a long moment. "You're afraid," he stated. What was Bilbo afraid of? "Are you afraid that I would keep it?" He held up the tiny ring between thumb and forefinger, staring at Bilbo through it. "I think you should talk to the Wizard about it - It is more than it seems. It reeks of dark magic, but, I think, it is best for you to keep it." If anyone could keep from being corrupted by such dark magic, it was definitely the hobbit. 

Although the ring was within Bilbo's reach, it wasn't immediately snatched away, as Smaug would have expected - _A good sign,_ he thought. Under Bilbo's cool grey-blue gaze, Smaug reached out with his empty hand to draw one of the hobbit's hands to him. He pressed the ring firmly into the open palm and closed Bilbo's fingers around it. Using the hand in his grasp, the dragon then pulled Bilbo down to him. 

"I won't take your treasure from you," he said, rolling them over so that he was lying mostly on top of the hobbit, but with his legs tangled beneath Bilbo's. "If you want more, I will bring it to you. Do you?" 

"Not... particularly," Bilbo replied and wiggled interestingly, possibly in an attempt to get away. "I'm a hobbit - I don't really... How do I put this in a way you would understand? See, gold is treasure to dragons; comfort is treasure to hobbits. Does that... make sense?" 

Smaug blinked at that. The bed... He sighed, "Well, there goes that idea." 

"Ehr... What idea?" 

"The one to kill the bed," he admitted. "If it's part of your hoard..." He made a shrugging motion (something that he had only started to do in the past few days). "That makes it something important. Does that make tea part of your hoard?" Smaug still held out hope that they would have tea together - He remembered that he had _liked_ tea. He couldn't remember what it had tasted like, but he would like to try it again. 

Bilbo began to chuckle, which felt very interesting. "I'm glad that we've gotten that cleared up," he said then gasped when Smaug chose that moment to lick him. "Oh, no you don't!" He shoved at Smaug's chest until he was released. And though Smaug pouted, he still let his hobbit go. If only he could figure out where he was going wrong... Perhaps he should spend a few nights in his gold. All this sleeping on soft cotton and feathers and fur was addling his brain. 

A few nights on the gold would be good for them both. 

tbc


	2. A Hobbit's Courting Troubles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which a hobbit wonders what will happen when he grows old (and dies).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just couldn't make myself wait a full day, even, to post this...

For several days, Bilbo saw little of his dragon. He spoke to Smaug in the treasure hall after the dragon gave Nori trouble. It wasn't a surprise, really, but Smaug knew that he wasn't supposed to bite the dwarves - especially not members of the company. Curiously, Bilbo didn't know why Nori was... visiting the treasure hall at all, most especially at that time of night. On second thought, Nori had probably expected Smaug to not be present. 

Smaug's nap in the treasure hall could probably be traced directly back to the hobbit pushing him away... again. Sadly, it wasn't that Bilbo wasn't interested, it was just... It would be nice to be wooed. That might be a very hobbit-like concept, but he was a romantic at heart, and although he was just as much a Took as a Baggins, romance was something that both families were fond of. 

Just because he and Smaug, together, was almost a forgone conclusion (after all, hadn't John and Sherlock retired and moved to the country together to raise bees of all things?), didn't mean that he wanted it treated as such. 

Retired... John and Sherlock had both been Men, that is, Big People, of similar enough age, when they had met. Smaug was a dragon (Bilbo almost giggled at the thought; a _dragon_ wooing a hobbit?), and had lived many a year - far longer than Bilbo had, at least. Bilbo was... a middle aged hobbit. Aged fifty years. If he was lucky, really lucky, he might live as long as a hundred and twenty years in total, but that was only seventy years more, and dragons... dragons live forever if they aren't killed - Gandalf said so. 

When Bilbo reached such an age and died... He remembered, suddenly, just how bad Sherlock had reacted to John's mortality when he'd had too close of a call. Would Smaug react as badly? 

"This is going to be a touchy subject, I can tell," he sighed. It was one that needed to be broached. He needed to know what Smaug would do if something were to happen to him. Would he... Bilbo couldn't even make himself think about it. It was likely that Smaug would, at best, chase the dwarves away from the mountain again. "Oh dear..." He needed to talk to Thorin. Quickly. 

* * *

"It has come to my attention...Ehr... shortly ago... again... that I am, and always will be, a mortal creature." He licked his lips nervously, staring into the dwarf king's bright blue eyes. The king had a strange expression on his face, half bemusement, and half skeptical. "I know, I know. This isn't really a surprise, it's just... I am mortal, and it's unlikely that I shall live seventy years more," he paused to take a breath. Thorin sat straighter, seeming to pay closer attention. "And Smaug isn't. Mortal. He isn't mortal. He... I think, should I die, he shan't be reacting very well." 

"By 'not well', you mean..?" Thorin prompted. 

"You know of volcanoes?" It was a subject Bilbo was familiar with only through books. At Thorin's nod, he continued, "Like that. Almost exactly like that. I expect that he shall try and destroy the mountain. I will... I intend to speak with him about it, but I don't expect him to take the conversation well, either, as it would make him think about it." 

"I wish I didn't see," Thorin replied. 

"He has a proven dislike of thinking about things that he doesn't like to think about..." When Thorin blinked, as though taken aback, Bilbo re-examined the sentence. It sounded roundabout, but... "No, I meant what I said. I shall... try and extract promises from him. Perhaps that will help. I just wanted you to be aware, because... Well, there are such a thing as accidents, and I'm sure they're more likely to happen here than they would have in Bag End, so... I thought it may be best to say it quickly, and soon, with as much haste as possible." 

The king continued to blink, but... "I can see that." 

Bilbo huffed quietly and nodded to himself. "Anyway, now that I've said something, I need to go find Smaug... He's probably just where I left him, but there's always a chance he decided to move about..." Still muttering to himself, he left the king's presence. 

Behind Thorin, a door opened, and Fili came through it, followed by Kili. Hearing Bilbo's continued mutter, Fili asked, "Is it something I should know about?" 

"It has come to my attention," Thorin replied, pensive, "that our burglar is a mortal creature." 

* * *

"Will not happen," Smaug said when Bilbo brought it up. The dragon was in his true form, half buried in the gold. When the hobbit opened his mouth to point out that yes, it will happen, eventually, whether Smaug wishes it or not, the dragon glared at him with enough menace that his mouth just clicked shut. "It _will not_ happen." 

Honestly, he didn't even know where the phrase came from, but it popped out just like so "Denial isn't just a river in Egypt." They stared at each other for a long moment, and Bilbo asked, "Where is Egypt?" 

"I remember knowing that," the dragon replied sadly. "It seemed important at one time. I don't know where the information went." 

Bilbo shook his head abruptly. "It's not important now, is it? What I'm saying is, it will happen, no matter what you say. I just don't want anything worse to come of it." 

"There isn't anything worse," Smaug said, and abruptly changed form, back into the not-quite-a-hobbit form he had adopted. The clothes, which had been missing in his true form, reappeared (being the first time he had seen Smaug change shape like that, he couldn't help but feel mild disappointment). "That's why it will not happen." 

Bilbo sighed, closing his eyes and pinching his nose. "Stubborn creature," he groaned. "Whether you will it or no, Smaug. It will happen. Hobbits don't live for eons like dragons. A mere hundred years is a long time to a hobbit, and that's as long as the most of us live. Denial won't make me live any longer, no matter how healthy I am now." 

Smaug skidded down the pile of gold he had been resting in, coming to a stop right beside Bilbo. The dragon took his arm and said, "We aren't discussing this further. You should be sleeping by now." And Smaug gently but insistently dragged him off toward his chambers. 

* * *

The one time Smaug didn't protest him sleeping, in fact did his best for force Bilbo to do so, was when he wouldn't stop talking about an uncomfortable subject. Truthfully, Bilbo didn't know whether to be amused, confused, or insulted. 

tbc


	3. A Dwarven King's Trouble With Courting Couples

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which a dwarven king is growing tired hearing about a dragon's courtship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maybe I'm rushing. I don't know.

"For the third time, I don't care," Thorin said, glad again that the mountain wasn't completely full yet. Smaug was trouble, through and through, but as long as he continued courting his halfling friend, he seemed to stay out of the mines, at least. "I don't care if he pushes you out of bed every night. Have you considered that maybe he doesn't _want_ you in his bed?" 

"John's already mine," Smaug grunted. For the moment, he looked like a fox, all white and red, and huge with a dragon's eyes. Once finding a second form that suited him, Smaug had wasted little time finding a third and a fourth form that he liked. The fourth form was that of a giant raven with red rimmed feathers and red-gold eyes, and Thorin had only seen it once before, when Smaug had tried to chase Thranduil from the mountain without revealing his true form... It hadn't worked, but Thorin had thoroughly approved of the exercise. "Why wouldn't he want me in his bed?" 

It wasn't that Smaug was disagreeing, Thorin realized. The dragon was honestly seeking an answer. "How have you tried courting him?" he asked apprehensively. 

"I offered to bring him treasure," Smaug began. He sat in thought for a long moment. "Hobbits are strange," he concluded, which wasn't very helpful. "I've been thinking about bringing him beer." 

"I'm sure he would like that," Thorin replied, brooding over the possible ways that Smaug might choose to do so. "He's very fond of sweets," he added, not sure why he was helping. "Cakes and pies, candy." Ever since this had started, Thorin had wondered how it was going to go. Bilbo had a surprising amount of backbone, and it was likely that if Smaug didn't do it right, he would never get anywhere. Feeling that that was a particularly insightful thought, he said, "If you don't do it right, he won't let you. Ever. You'll have to wait until your next lives to court him again." 

Smaug huffed tetchily. "It's a challenge," he admitted. "Although I find a good challenge invigorating, I also don't like how long this is taking. If it was done the dragon's way, we'd already be abed, as you say. What am I doing wrong?" 

"He's not a dragon," Thorin pointed out. "He's a hobbit, and they're a soft, gentle people. That may be your problem." 

It was almost a gasp. "Idiot!" The great fox-shaped being stood abruptly. "Is it that simple? Truly! I was right to speak with you about this. You might be insane, but you are certainly not stupid - after all, you brought John with you to invade my mountain. The next problem is 'How do hobbits court?'" If Thorin had been unused to hearing such insulting words, he might have grown angry. As it was, two months of dealing with the dragon had taught him some manner of patience. 

"I'm sure I wouldn't know." 

"Who would?" the dragon asked bluntly. 

After a moment of thought, he responded, "Gandalf." 

* * *

Smaug wasn't the only one to bother Thorin over the same subject. Nor was Bilbo, although the halfling did often come to Thorin to complain about "Oooh, and you just wouldn't believe what he did this time! An entire barrel, in my bed! There was beer everywhere, and I do get that he is trying, but I wouldn't have expected a dragon to be so clumsy!" It seemed that at least half of the company, that is, the original company, did so as well. Mostly it was just boisterous speculation, but occasionally... 

Why wouldn't they shut up? 

"I think it should be obvious," he interrupted Kili's diatribe about... well, Thorin wasn't sure, because he had been pointedly not listening, but he had unfortunately caught something about "fucking in the treasure room". He was getting a headache, again. "They haven't. At all. The dragon would be calmer, I think, if they had." He waited until the others had quieted down. "Just... Any of you, really. Help the dragon. Keep him out of my hair. I'm busy enough without his courtship interrupting me at odd hours. He has been asking me for _advice_. Advice I would gladly give, but he seems to twist it in that strange mind of his into something nonsensical." 

"Like how?" asked Fili, Kili chiming in with "How?" at the same time. 

"He broke a barrel of beer in our burglar's bed. I'm not even sure how he got it there - it was a very large barrel." Thorin had seen the barrel's bands. It shouldn't have even made it through the door. 

"So that's what happened," Bofur said, with a grin. "I was wondering. The bed's been fine for the past couple weeks. I thought Smaug gave up on trying to keep him from sleeping." 

"He did," Thorin said. 

"How are we -" Fili began. 

"- supposed to -" Kili continued. 

In time, along with a couple of the others who had seen where this was going, they finished, "- help them?" 

"I don't know," Thorin sighed. "Just solve it." 

* * *

"John doesn't like Azaleas. They make him swell. Why does John swell?" Flowers had been a failure. 

* * *

"He took me on a picnic..." Bilbo sighed. He was bruised, tired, and more than a little hungry. "It was a good idea. I'll give him credit for that. But then a bear attacked. He ate the bear. There was a landslide, and I didn't even get a bite of that honeycake..." The picnic had also been a failure. 

* * *

The hobbit stomped into the middle of one of Thorin's (thankfully unimportant) meetings, "Smaug is hereby banned from cooking!" and then he stomped out. It seemed that was also a failure, judging by the soot Bilbo trailed. 

* * *

The next time he saw Bilbo, the halfling seemed to have lost a little weight. "Why did no one come looking for us?" He glowered around the room. "He got me lost. In the mines, I think. Hobbits aren't meant for places like that! When he said 'Let's go for a walk,' I thought he meant _outside_." Romantic stroll: also failure. 

* * *

"What is that?! What is that?! Keep it away from me! I've gotten sick of the very color of gold! If anyone so much as says the word, for the next three days, I'm returning to Bag End and leaving you to deal with the dragon!" Sharing of hobbies: apparently also a failure. 

* * *

Bilbo sneezed. He snuffled. His cheeks were bright red from fever, and he probably shouldn't have been in the throne room. "Stargazing is a romantic idea," he said. "Wonderful idea. Wish he'd thought to bring a blanket or something." This was a failure too, it seemed.

* * *

Thorin waited until the dragon, again in the fox form, had sat at the base of his throne before speaking to him. "Why are hobbits strange?" he asked, certain that this might actually help the dragon - i.e. get this truly obnoxious courtship over with. 

Smaug tilted his head to the side, an inquisitive expression on his foxy face. Taking Thorin's words as a possible attempt to help, he replied, "They have a strange idea of what treasure is." Curious, Thorin inclined his head, indicating that Smaug should continue. "He told me, 'Gold is treasure to dragons; comfort is treasure to hobbits.' I don't understand it." 

"I see. Soft things, gentle things, Smaug, simple things; he always refers to his people as a simple folk. That means that they like peace and quiet, warmth and comfort, not riches, as you and I might desire. He likes books, I know. He often spoke of them; still does, on occasion. I'm sure he's still not feeling well; bundle him up in blankets and read something to him that he'll enjoy." 

* * *

"It was very sweet." Bilbo was feeling much better. "He just sat with me and read to me... Whose idea was that, anyway? I know that you've all been giving him advice... good advice, for some part, but it just... wasn't turning out well." 

"Thank whoever," gasped Balin. "I was sure that this was never going to stop!" 

"No really," said Kili. 

"Who was it?" asked Fili. All the dwarves, plus Bilbo, looked around at each other, and Thorin decided not to admit his involvement. After all, it wasn't like Smaug wasn't going to screw up again tomorrow. 

tbc


	4. A Trouble Averted and a Trouble Caused

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which a dwarven king's advice proves helpful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you can see, I just couldn't stop myself. :) Also, accent marks are missing over certain names, I know, but my computer doesn't like them.

Smaug shuffled. He didn't like that he shuffled, but he could admit that that was what he was doing. He wasn't nearly so quiet as a hobbit, however, so he knew that Bilbo had noticed him. Unfortunately, he knew that Bilbo had noticed him, which meant also that Bilbo was ignoring him. Since he hadn't turned to look, Smaug was certain that his hobbit didn't know what he had brought with him, so he shuffled over to the bed, to deposit his load. Thorin's words made sense, but then again, so had the words of the others. 

What was that John had told him, when he had been Sherlock, oh so long ago? A little apology went a long way? Something like that. He shuffled toward the hobbit, who was still ignoring him, in favor of a cup of something hot. Smaug didn't think it was tea; Bilbo complained often enough about the lack of proper pipeweed and tea leaves. If it was tea, it wasn't real tea. 

The cup was empty when he reached Bilbo, though it was still warm. He took it and set it on the shelf, ignoring for the moment the way his hobbit's spine had stiffened as he approached. Smaug embraced him from behind, one armed, using the other to lift a book from the shelf. He could read the title well enough, so he figured Bilbo could as well. "I'm sorry," he said into the dark gold hair. This time, when Bilbo stiffened, it was with shock. "I forget that you're frail." 

John hadn't been frail; then again, John had probably weighed three times as much as Bilbo, if not more. Calculating by volume, John wasn't even six feet tall, and Bilbo was well over three feet in height, but John had also been broader, with a deeper chest... John hadn't been soft, either, that he could remember. "You're forgiven," Bilbo replied, wryly. 

He found it strange, just how soft Bilbo's body could be. It would worry him, if it weren't for the fact that Bilbo's softness could belie a remarkable resilience. John had been resilient too, he remembered; it was just a different kind of resilience. The hobbit's body bent easily under his insistent hands, but it took poking Bilbo's feet with his own to get him to move toward the bed. Bilbo only allowed himself to moved two steps before he stopped again, digging his heels into the carpet. Smaug wasn't about to force him beyond that. 

"What is that?" the hobbit asked, looking at Smaug over his shoulder. 

A big fluffy pile of blankets - soft fleece and feather down - spilled over the edge of the bed like hazy yellow and green clouds. "You're still ill," Smaug said, using his toes to push Bilbo's feet back into motion. "You should be comfortable, not standing around in the chill." The room was chill; not like the top of the mountain, where there was snow most times of year, but it was colder than the treasure room, which held residual heat from having a dragon nesting in the piles of gold. It was difficult, strangely so, to walk with Bilbo that way; his chest still pressed to the hobbit's back, and his arms wrapped around Bilbo's front, one hand still clutching a dusty book. 

Surprisingly, Bilbo didn't protest at all, getting bundled up in the blankets. He was already dressed for bed, anyway. He also didn't protest Smaug joining him, content to wait and see what his dragon was up to this time. For his part, Smaug had already learned that licking would get him kicked out of bed, so instead, he just pressed his face into Bilbo's hair and for a moment just sat and breathed. It was pleasant, and Bilbo was letting him do it. 

Now, the book... they settled into a comfortable position and opened it. 

And that's when everything went sideways. Smaug had been expecting something to go wrong, but this wasn't what he had expected. From the cover, he had thought he had picked up a book about the Valar, but inside... 

Smaug wasn't sure what he was seeing. He made a confused noise and tilted the book sideways, and against his chest, he could feel Bilbo start to shake. _Ah, it's sex positions,_ he thought, satisfied that he had cleared that mystery in his head. Bilbo was still shaking, but he didn't smell upset. Smaug frowned. A strange, choked sound escaped Bilbo; it had almost sounded like a sob, but... No, the hobbit was laughing. He was having difficulties containing himself. "Go ahead," Smaug murmured into his hair. "Laugh. But look at the cover first." He closed the book, and upon sight of the false cover, Bilbo lost the battle and began to giggle uncontrolably. "So you see, I had no idea what I was picking up." 

Some time later, they were looking at some of the pictures within the book. "It's absurd to think that a spine could move that way," Bilbo insisted. In the image they were looking at, the woman's spine was contorted unnaturally. 

"Gravity looks like more of a danger to me," Smaug countered. He was refering to the man's position - precariously balanced above... well, it was precarious looking, and it would take a lot of concentration, he thought, to stay in a position like that. He doubted that concentration would be easily maintained while having sex. He had a hard enough time concentrating when he was close to Bilbo, and that was when they weren't doing anything! "Why is the male so hairy? He isn't a dwarf." 

"Big People are pretty hairy looking sometimes," Bilbo murmured, turning the page distractedly. 

"I'm not hairy," Smaug muttered. 

"And you chose your form," Bilbo countered, bumping his head against the dragon's in a fond manner. "It's silly to think that it would be anything you didn't want it to be. I have no idea if you were hairy before... but I don't remember having a lot of excess hair, either, come to think on it." 

Smaug made a thoughtful noise in his throat, tightening his hold on his hobbit briefly. "I don't think I was. Is it important?" 

"I don't think so," Bilbo replied, and they both looked up when the door opened. 

The dwarf guilty of opening it, Oin, stood and stared at them for a moment. "I was bringing stew...I should get more, then, shouldn't I?" This last was said looking at Smaug. 

"Don't bother," he murmured, holding out his hand and summoning the dwarf forward with an impatient flick of the fingers. Taking the book from Bilbo's hands, he flicked it back to the previous page and held it up for the dwarf's inspection. "Tell me - how would they not end up in your care?" 

The sound of the food dropping to the floor was loud in the sudden silence. 

FIN

Omake

In the great hall, Oin sat, red faced, trying to read Smaug's book. 

He was afraid the dragon was right. In many of the images, it was far too likely that anyone actually trying it in reality would just injure themselves. With that in mind, he really shouldn't have left the book on the table. 

Ten minutes later, Kili, seeing an unfamiliar book on the table, opened it to the middle, with a vague sort of curiosity. For thirty seconds, he just stared then he carefully closed the book and grimly said to Fili, who had sat next to him, "I just learned far too much about Uncle's sex life." 

"Books make you think too much," Fili replied, glancing at the title. What the Valar had to do with Thorin's sex life was beyond him. 

FIN

(for real this time)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _The Story of the Valar_ (Smaug's accidental book choice) just might end up with a story of its own, as it makes its rounds in places that it perhaps should never have gone. :)


End file.
